Krisztina's Blog: Real Men Don't Have Scripts
I admit I love to watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. It's the best train wreck on T.V., filled with glamour, sex, romance, cat fights, and of course the tears. Oh so many tears - some funny and some not so funny. In the "Women Tell All" episode, I was reminded of something I would tell any woman who is either in love or is searching for love, and that is you need to keep in mind that men in real life do not have scripts.
It common sense, I know, but it's one of those things we ladies can be childish about. Maybe we've watched one too many Nicholas Sparks movies, or maybe we've had real life examples of men who do know how to say the right things. But in reality, a lot of men don't know what to say or how to say it, and it can be quite confusing. It can also be very hurtful at times. In the Women Tell All special, quite a few of the ladies lacked closure from their breakups with the bachelor, not because of what was said, but because of very specific words that were used. For example, Jade was hurt that the bachelor later confessed in his blog that he was disturbed by her behavior. That would be hurtful and quite insulting. Upon reflection Chris clarified that "caught off-guard" would've been a better phrase for him to have used. Basically he was seeing one thing from her, then heard a lot of different and unexpected things about her personality from her family. If you kept up with this season and watched the tell-all special, you may be feeling how I did after that scene - I thought okay, I totally get why he sent her home then, and she should feel much better after hearing that.
Watching the tell-all show, it's easy to see that these women have played very specific moments over and over in their minds. It's all too familiar. That's what we do. We play conversations in our minds over and over until we can make sense of them. Men wonder how we remember specific sentences they've said (especially the bad ones) for years to come. It's that very reason - especially if it's something that hurts us or confuses us, we will play it over in our heads a thousand times, hoping to make sense of it.
This can seriously backfire when we get hung up on specific words or phrases. The more we play something over in our minds, the more certain words can hurt. I mean physically hurt like a sharp pain in the chest. You really have to keep a few things in mind when it comes to men and how they communicate. You have to honestly ask yourself was this person really intending to hurt me? What was the overall point he was trying to make? How did the conversation end? Most importantly ask yourself how you truly feel towards this person in general. I've learned that above all else, I should trust my gut. If you've ever had that little nagging feeling in your gut that someone may not have your best interests at heart, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And once you've felt that, the mere absence of that feeling can give you an incredible sense of trust and appreciation with the people who do truly care about you, even when they make a mistake where you're concerned.
If you are still left with any confusion, then you are not finished discussing the issue, even if the other person seems content to end the conversation. You can get perspective from a friend, you can run it through your head a million times, or you can pray about it; but if you are still hurt or confused in any way, the person you really need to talk to is him. It can be very hard for a woman to press any issue. Just as men are raised to be tough and mask emotions, women may come to think of men as unemotional beings who don't really want to talk. In reality they're all so different. Some really don't want to talk, while others just don't know how, and some are actually quite good at it. The scary truth is that you never know until you ask. You have to have the courage to speak up and ask the hard questions. If you're met with anger or frustration for having emotional needs (aka basic human needs), RUN - don't walk. I mean it! On the other hand, if you're really lucky they'll reassure you that you aren't silly for needing to talk something out more, and they'll genuinely care that you get the issue cleared up.
Image via The Bachelor